My matrescence began before I even conceived this child. If I’m looking big picture, it may have began years ago, when I first started considering having children…or even further back, when the ability to have children (aka my menstrual cycle) began.
Matrescence (n):
—the process of becoming a mother
—the physical, emotional, psychological transformation one goes through during the transition to motherhood
Those who were at our wedding last year may recall from my vows that, from age 11 to age 21, I often (monthly, weekly?) stated that I did not want children. I also often stated during this decade that I did not want to get married. I was thoroughly convinced of both of these facts and did not expect my mind to be changed, despite how many people told me it would once I “met the right person.” (I always hated that. Patronize much?)
Turns out, I did meet the right person. ;)
I also did a f-ton of work on myself and learned that those avoiding getting married and having kids wasn’t actually my desire, but rather my fears manifesting themselves as loudly as possible.
It turns out, I did want to be a mom. BADLY.
I didn’t fully understand this until sometime during my 23rd year of life, though. I was doing that personal work (counseling, journaling, etc) and I also had a personal incident that served as a catalyst for coming to terms with my heart’s desire to have children.
I first learned of the word matrescence last September. In the months following our wedding, I was slowly but surely consuming more and more media relating to motherhood and came across Dr. Alexandra Sacks’ TED Talk about matrescence. I was fascinated and grateful to hear an authority talking about the complexities of the psychological and emotional experience of becoming a mother. I was already identifying with the concept of a push and pull - wanting to be a mother, but knowing it wasn’t the only thing I wanted, and that I didn’t want to do it the way it has historically and is presently discussed in US culture.
I wanted to be a mom, and I wanted to do it my way.
Our baby wasn’t conceived for another 1.5 months after I first watched that video. But it’s clear to me looking back that I was very ready, and my journey of becoming a mother had already begun.
As I’ve been growing this tiny human inside of me for the last 7.5 months, I have had so many revelations about myself, my dreams for my community, and my worldview. I’ve been feeling called to publish some of them.
Welcome to the Mama Bear Blog.